April 19, 2008
I found a neat site today: www.sloganizer.net
You pick a random keyword, ie, your name, and it sloganizes it instantly! How catchy!
I decided to use my blogname as the keyword, so here’s a few new slogans for FlashBulb:
Then, of course, I decided to bastardize the poor Javascript program by using a rather cheeky keyword.
And I’m sorry, but I think this one takes the cake:
«Feminine Cleansing Products on the outside, tasty on the inside.»
Imagine putting that in your MSN Messenger status bar?
March 12, 2008
Our world seems to be getting worse by the day. Not only are we rude to each other in life, but now, also death.
What am I talking about? Funeral processions. By car, that is. (I’m pretty sure in the Western Hemisphere, we don’t drag bodies to the grave on foot.)
There’s a local highway near my home, and I often travel with a friend between towns. One day, a funeral procession was merging onto the highway, likely on the way to the Funeral Home near Highway 20.
Now, logically, they drive in a long line, in the slow lane, and with hazard lights on. Other drivers usually give them the right of way and do their best to not break ‘the chain’. Usually.
This particular time, other drivers began speeding up to pass them, driving agressively around them, honking, and to my dismay, breaking ‘the chain’. I’ve heard stories in England of drivers even giving funeral processions the ‘finger’ for, dare I say it, cutting them off.
”Ugh. The dead. SO rude these days.”
Now, I’m not a superstitious person. Frankly, the guy/gal is dead, and won’t remember a thing. But could we at least have some respect for the family in mourning? I can honestly say, that if my loved one were in front of me in a hearse, and someone were to aggresively block me off, I’d probably drive into their face. Let’s just say it wouldn’t be the ONLY funeral procession that day. -rubs knuckles-
Again folks; respect. How hard is it to pull over and let them pass by? I sure hope what goes around comes around and people flip you the bird on your last ride.
Above: NOBODY is passin’ me in THIS thing. Ride to the grave in STYLE!
February 27, 2008
Good God. Have you ever done something you thought was ‘normal’, and then found out about how bad it was later? Much to your horror?
Meet the 17 Year Old Cake.
Gather around my children and I shall tell you a tale.
My friend had received a cake mix in a food dontaion box she was given around Christmas or so. Many destitute people in our area receive them, and think nothing of them. The odd time, you’ll find an expired/near-expired food item, but it’s nothing to be concerned about.
One day, while in a raging-afternoon hunger, we decided to make said pudding cake to quell said hunger.
Preparation was the same as any pudding cake, as were the ingredients. After a brief wait, the cake had cooled and was ready to be eaten. I walked up to it and commented on how it smelled of cherry Jell-O. I suppse this shoudln’t have been a surprise, as the ’sauce’ that is sprinkled on it while baking was reminiscent texture-wise of Cherry Jell-O powder.
We each dug out a bowlful, and began to chow down. I don’t think I managed more than three bites, and my friend managed even less. We thought it was just awful.
“It tastes like cough syrup.”
“This is nasty.”
“At least my cold went away.”
We disposed of the nastiness that was Robin Hood Cherry Pudding Cake, and then it hit me.
“Grace?”
“Mmnn?”
“Why have I never seen this cake in the stores?”
“Beats me. I checked the box. There’s no expiry date.”
It was true. After scanning the box several thorough times, there was nothing. Not even a lot number. I was now officially paranoid. I decided to do some research on the internet for this cake. Perhaps they only sold it in the US?
No luck. There wasn’t even a mention of this cake anywhere online. Not on the Robin Hood site, nor Wiki, nor Google. (I e-mailed Robin Hood to inquire about the cake, but to this day, I’ve never received a response.)
The only real identifying mark on the box, was the company address. I decided to do a Google search on that. Much to my dismay, I discovered something shocking. The last time that company worked from that address, was in 1989.
1989.
The cake was from 1989. At LEAST. That was the LAST the company was at that address. So the cake was at least 17 years old.
Blech.
I can honestly say, that was one hell of a cake. I suppose it wasn’t BAD for 17 year old cake mix. But good god. Who donated that thinking of how old it was? Perhaps it was donated after some old broad died and they cleared out her cupboards. -shudders-
If you ever come upon something questionable, do us all a favor and throw it out. Please don’t donate it. -wince-
February 27, 2008
I’ve got a problem with Hallowe’en. Perhaps not more so than any holiday, as, of course, I hate them all.
Hallowe’en, though filled with free candy and costume parties, makes my eye twitch when I happen upon two things: Parents who take their babies trick or treating, and children who attempt to trick-or-treat without costumes.
Do I even really have to go into it? I mean, it’s self-explanitory for the common NON-insane reader, isn’t it? … Well then, I’ll elaborate.
Why, oh why, do parents take babies out trick-or treating? It’s not like thye’re going to remember the occasion. And why would you want to parade your baby around to total strangers who may potentially try to hurt/steal your child? I’m not gonna argue on the free candy aspect, (much), but really, don’t torture your baby into wearing some God-forsaken outfit for your meagre means of candy-gain. God, I’ll BUY you a friggin’ bag of candy* if you’ll leave the poor kid at home. Deal?
* Note: Make all free bag of candy requests to youmustbeanidiot@yahoo.com. One per household.
NUMBER TWO: Children who don’t have costumes.
Thankfully, I live in an apartment building, so I have no need to pass out free sugar to the neighbourhood brats. But on occasion, I will go out with some of my friends while they take their children trick or treating. It’s REALLY disturbing to see many children running around without costumes on. These ARE in fact children who are participating, as they have giant sacks of candy close at hand. My question to you is: What moron is giving candy to kids without costumes? Do you feel sorry for them or something? I know I do. I feel sorry that their parents were either too cheap or too stupid to come up with a costume. I mean, God, a ghost costume; it’s a friggin sheet with eyeholes. Could they not even attept that? If you send your child out trick-or-treating without a costume, then you should be ashamed of yourself.
Oh, but then here comes the argument of, “But what if their parents are too poor to buy them a costume?”
Again, make one. Steal a bag of clothes from a hobo or something. It doesn’t take that much effort. Hell, go to a local ditch by a highway. There’s lots of costume ideas. You could be a mudflap!*
And if their parents aren’t talented/coherent enough to make them one, I’m sure they can sit down and explain to little Jimmy why he isn’t going out for hallowe’en this year.
*Sarcasm
October 24, 2007
HOLY crap, man. It seems that EVERY year, holidays get marketed sooner and sooner.
Companies are in it for the money, obviously. But do we REALLY have to buy Holiday Rice Krispies cereal MID OCTOBER?! I mean, COME ON. I know that folks like to get a head start on baking and crafts, but this is re-God Damn-diculous.
I can handle the Back to School sales at the beginning of August. I can handle the Hallowe’en candy being old at the start of September, but I will NOT handle Christmas crap being sold MID OCTOBER. -huffs and catches breath-
Sorry. It’s just annoying to see every item in the store coloured red and green to be made ‘Christmas-y’, and then hawked months before the actual holiday season.
We haven’t even finished Hallowe’en yet. -_- In fact, I think my roommate still has some Turkey Soup left over from our Canadian Thanksgiving.
Ugh. When Leon’s, a Canadian furniture retailer, starts its annual summer sales campaign: ”Christmas in July”, it’s not even going to be funny anymore. -dies-
October 6, 2007
(Let’s get this out of the way: I’m not racist. Never have been, never will be.)
I noticed something the other day. Not so much ‘noticed’, in fact, not even a revelation, more like a ‘thorough observation’.
People don’t pick on black people anymore. Nor should they. Judging someone by the color of their skin is silly. “ONG!!11shift! Y0u hav3 dark3r sk1n th4n m3!”
Mankind should be treated equally, and their sins weighed equally. I know that today, people still do bother black people and those of other races and religions, but it’s regarded in a bad way by most, and ergo, is not generally tolerated.
But as I was walking home the other day with my friend Ken, a car drove past with a bunch of rowdy twenty-somethings (all men, of course), and shouted something as they sped around the corner. Kenneth and I tried to figure it out while we were walking, but home was close and we soon forgot about it. When Ken left though, I thought about what they had said, and eventually I pieced it together. They essentially said:
”Jenny Craig! Call it!”
Oh …kay. So we pick on fat people now? Seriously, how is it any different than being a racist? I have a few extra pounds so I deserve to be nailed to the cross and crucified for it? Move over Jesus, make room for two!
And I thought picking on fat people was reserved for my childhood. I honestly thought that was old news.
Oh, but if I were some hot supermodel, they’d be barking and drooling like animals! Which, essentially, they ARE. -gigglesnort-
*dials number*
Carleen: Yeah, hi, Jenny Craig? I was told to call you.
Jenny Craig: Oh? Who referred you?
Carleen: I dunno. Some assholes or something. -laughs-
Anyway, I feel that nobody should be prejudiced against. People have their irks and qualms, but nobody should be judged on their appearance, mental state, religion, creed or color. I mean, we’re in the 21st Century for God’s sake. Get a friggin’ hobby or something. -skips off-
September 1, 2007
People buy lots of useless crap these days. Generally, most folks complain that they have no money, yet they spend every last cent on worthless trinkets.
My friend Kenneth and I have decided to bring you a list of things people waste money on, and how to save money on said list.
1. Toilet Paper – Ok, I know this may sound a bit odd, but I don’t buy toilet paper. What’s the point? I may as well wipe my ass with a $10 bill. The cheaper way is to grab a pile of restaurant napkins and take them home with you. Now I know people may get a bit huffy over this one. “Oh my God! What would my guests think?” or, “I’m not wiping my derriere with that abrasive paper!” To them I say, “fine”. If you are crapping dollars, go buy TP. But if you frankly don’t care what your guests think, go for the Fast Food Fabric. And you know something? I find certain restaurant napkins are actually SOFTER than generic toilet paper. What have you got to say to that? And YES, it IS inconvenient how it doesn’t ‘roll’ itself off in neat little squares, but look! It’s already in neat little squares! And if it’s a bit thin, grab a pile. One word of caution though. Don’t flush too many of these bad boys down at once. Just because I use it as toilet paper, doesn’t mean it behaves like toilet paper. Decomposition on this stuff is nil.
2. Condiments- C’mon! How easy could this be? They have pre-packaged ketchup, mayo, mustard, salt, pepper AND vinegar. I’m talking about fast food restaurants. They are a plethora of items. I mean, not only can you get FREE TP there, you can get FREE toppings! The reason why I started this, was because of guests at my house. I’m pretty frugal, and I noticed that my friends enjoy the gross taste of ketchup. I don’t buy any, but I don’t want them to feel deprived. So, I was at a fast food restaurant and saw the take home packets. -swipes- Hooray for thievery! This can also be done with plastic cutlery. It’s good to keep some in the car.
3. Garbage Bags- For some people, this is easier said than done. I don’t buy those big black garbage bags. Not only does it take a week for me to fill one up (and by then the bag reeks), it’s honestly a waste of my hard earned (?) dollar. Instead, I use grocery bags. I’m ALWAYS getting large piles of bags when I go shopping, and I have a little bag-holder device on the inside of one of my cupboards. I use the bags for everything, from groceries, to packing lunches, to donating clothing to thrift stores. I’m not usually pro-environment*, but I do think that this is a good way to reuse leftover bags.
4. Paper Pads, Pencils and Pens – Do people really buy these things? Goodness, it seems like you can end up with a stray pen ANYwhere. Some businesses even print up pens and paper pads with their logo on it to GIVE away to people. Ask your bank or insurance company if they suppy any of these goodies. Now, as for specialty pens, I DO buy some of the black Pilot pens, simply because I hate ballpoint, and if I’m going to be writing an important letter/card/drawing, I NEED a good pen. But as for generics, I have pens from Pizza Hut to State Farm Insurance, and Finn Comfort to Royal Bank.
And there you have it. Some of this may be common knowledge, but to others, it may be a fresh new take.
And I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again:
“I’m not ‘cheap’, I’m ‘frugal’.”
*Note: Kenneth is a hippie.
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